The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
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no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️