Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
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How times have changed.
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*