You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
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I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
Every work meeting this week
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss: