dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
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Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
Catercrombie & Fish
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!