You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
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Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
The Joker was right
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What