I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
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CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
is this meant to deter me
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
*looks at you in batman voice*
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
So we got a goldfish…
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*