Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
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Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’