Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
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Atheists are Popeless romantics.
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!