Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
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Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
And that about sums it up.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor