Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
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I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
I found your tweet-up…
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’