Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
You Might Also Like
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
I cannot stop laughing at this
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.