I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
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Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
knights of the ikea table
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.