I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
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Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
Only a mother’s love …
<- sleeps well with others
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.