you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
You Might Also Like
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
I only eat vegetarians.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.