Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
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Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
@funTweeters
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.