This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
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I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?