Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
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one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
The devil.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know