Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
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I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.