Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
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Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Woke up with morning Yule Log
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
Great Canadian literature.
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf