Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
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The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
This will never not be funny 😭
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.