Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
You Might Also Like
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
Education is vital
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun