[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
You Might Also Like
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.