Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
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“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
The Wolf of Wall Street.
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
quarantine day 3
My five year plan is a meteorite
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.