You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
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My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.