[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
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MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.