“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
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12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.