When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
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If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
My support group can outdrink your support group.
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
October already? What’s next? November????
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich