Thrilling chase underway
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*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!