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I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”