Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
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I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
This a good idea
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.