In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
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I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
Encore…
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo