Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
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Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
*limbos away from your hug*
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
🏙👨🏼
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.