You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
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Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.