THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
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Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?