I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
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synchronized noseblowing
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
Some people were born into their job.
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Hey Fugeddaboutit
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger