My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
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we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
the three genders
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
this is 10/10 content no notes
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.