Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
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Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
it’s a van. how do they not know this
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?