Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
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The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have