When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
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*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.