“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
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“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
Every work meeting this week