There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
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Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
So, can we agree on 4 or
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.