Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
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[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?