99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
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If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?