Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
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This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.