guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
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PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision