*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
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In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.