[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
You Might Also Like
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
Driving in Europe vs Canada
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*