Getting married soon just need a spouse
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New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Succinctly put.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.