My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
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Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth