yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
You Might Also Like
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
Made something I’m not proud of
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”